On Choices. Or, Finally Making the Right One 

Holy shit, it’s been a minute. 

In keeping with my super reliable nature, I got caught up in life things and kind of forgot about my strict and passionate vow to myself to WRITE. EVERY. DAY. Every day, K, no matter what else is going on in your life which will probably be nothing because you lead a shockingly boring existence that is occasionally peppered with exciting new snacks consumed while lying down in sweatpants (see previous post re: love of sweatpants and their extreme positive effect on my life) that have been washed maybe (definitely) never. 

Every day sort of (totally) turned into I WILL DO IT TOMORROW SHUT UP SUBCONSCIOUS WRITER VOICE, and then all of a sudden I got married. 

Well, not completely “all of a sudden”. Moe and I planned it for about a month. Actually, Moe nodded while I changed my mind 39 times. We (Moe) decided to forego a $6000 trip to Jamaica on the somewhat reasonable grounds that we are a) not millionaires and b) WE HATED THE LAST TRIP WE WENT ON AND THIS IS THE SAME ONE BUT WAY MORE EXPENSIVE, K!!! 

So instead, I graciously agreed to something a little more low key and affordable, and we went to city hall and got married in exactly 12 minutes and then had a party at our tiny house which involved a classy dinner and also drinking mezcal straight out of the bottle and finding red vomit in my bathtub the next day and a dear friend informing me that he threw up but don’t worry, it was mostly liquid and definitely on my neighbours’ lawn. 

The weekend was perfect, without any overly wedding-y things, and Moe even wore his ring for about 4 hours before he promptly and sternly informed me that left handed men who work in busy kitchens cannot wear rings, which resulted in our first married fight wherein I informed him that annulments have been sought on lesser grounds and one of the main goals of marriage for me is that everyone knows he is married and that I basically own him now but not in a weird or obsessive sort of way just in a way that eases my own self-esteem and insecurity issues. Relax, I apologized after. I think. 

I hate mentioning being married before when I mention being married now. I feel like it somehow lessens this new part of our life by comparing it with an old part of my life. But I’m going to mention it anyways, because I think that it’s still important. As seen by many bad pieces of wall art and tattoos on Smug Hipsters, life is meant to be like an arrow. Always going forward, no looking back, don’t hang on to the past, etc etc blah blah blah. For the most part, I agree with this, partially because we don’t have much choice. Life does keep moving forward, and it does drag us with it. But our pasts, I think, need to be sort of respected and feared. Sure, you can try to forget about things, or bury them, or just pretend they didn’t happen. But then, when you are least expecting it, your past sneaks up behind you and punches you in the back of the head aggressively and reminds you that Hey, I’m still here! All your mistakes, still watching you, waiting for you to fall back on me again!

So I’ve made a promise to myself this time. I won’t forget about the mistakes I made in my last relationship. But I also won’t let them define this one. I’ve promised myself that I’ll be a better person, which is easy for me these days, because I married the best person I know. 

I have also promised myself that I will not eat cake more than once a week, will no longer Google search the end of movies while Moe and I are halfway through watching them and then whisper what is going to happen in a dramatic manner while after insisting I didn’t think you could hear me!, and will definitely, for SURE, stop throwing Tupperware in the garbage because it is not free nor is it meant to be disposable and there are people in this world like my mother who would be appalled by such behaviour and part of a being a better person is recognizing that you can just put it in your purse at work and wash it when you get home. 

Sensitivity Disclaimer : I am entitled to mock arrow tattoos because I have 2 Chinese characters tattooed on my body which I am pretty certain are not only super outdated but are also some really insensitive form of cultural appropriation and I should definitely look into getting them covered up. 


On Convention. Or, Lost is the New Normal. 

I’ve tried about 13 times to go to University, and once to college. Each of these times, I have found a reason not to finish. I was bored, or broke, or both. I hated the coursework, and the professors annoyed me because they were often stuffy and I felt like they lived in musty old houses with many cats and drank weak tea and had no time for the actual students they were meant to be teaching who were paying for this pointless course on 18th century writers that no one ever actually cared about with the promise to surrender their firstborn child. 

I am still one school year away from completing my University degree, and every once in awhile I get spasms of sheer panic that accompany a dialogue that goes something like this: 

You have to finish school. If you don’t finish school, you will be a waitress forever and you will get varicose veins and seriously it is time to grow up and just finish something and you can do this (no you can’t) look at all of the people out there who finish degrees when they are like 78 years old and go on to be wildly successful for the last 7 months of their lives it’s never too late to go back to school. 

This continues for a few months, and then I forget about it, and go back to the job that I really like and just sort of plod along in life like I suspect most of us are doing, regardless of our job titles or our annual incomes. 

I respect the people who have done things the right way, and I also feel a little envious of them. Having a life that has followed a straight line to an acceptable and normal outcome is something that I applaud. School, more school, job, mortgage, spouse, child, retirement, cottage, death. For many people, this is the trajectory of life, with the occasional surprise or setback thrown in. And I think this is great. It must be, right? Because this is what we are taught, as soon as we can get our heads around the concept of convention. Do what you have to do in order to have a life that is comfortable. But do it quickly, so you can work as many years as possible, in a job that is suitable and stable, so that you can have enough money to buy stuff when you are old. 

While I applaud this convention (cautiously and also sort of sarcastically) I have also spent most of my adult life ignoring it. 

I live in an apartment, I don’t have any kids, I have no interest in a mortgage or a yard or in owning mechanical things that are used to cut grass and blow snow and essentially make me miserable in climate conditions that I prefer not to be outside in. I have a lot of tattoos, I still dress like I am 17, and I often speak my mind when the socially advisable thing to do would be to shut up. My spouse and I work in an industry that is gruelling and leaves little time for family life. We sleep in separate bedrooms by choice, we don’t ever want to have a wedding, and we hate all-inclusive vacations for the very legitimate reason that they feel exactly like what I imagine a real-life Groundhog Day would feel like except with palm trees and shitty booze. 

I spent years being uncomfortable with most of these things. I struggled when I saw that people I went to high school with were living in enormous houses or becoming doctors or enjoying their vacations. I felt like I was doing life wrong because I didn’t want any of the things that everyone else seemed to. Pregnancy and childbirth actually alarm me so much it’s embarrassing – your body does what? And you did this on purpose? And you’re going to do it again? 

The amount of people – sometimes people who are little more than strangers to me – who feel entitled to ask if I own my home or rent it is staggering. These are the same people who are shocked and, inexplicably, saddened to learn that, no, I don’t want kids, I never have, and my ownership of female reproductive organs doesn’t really make me feel like I have to guiltily slink into motherhood with my head down simply because it’s what I am (supposedly) biologically engineered to do. 

As I get older, I am learning to stare these people down and hold my head up a little higher. I don’t know if this is because I am maturing into someone who is proud of who they are for reasons that are not dictated to me by other people or if I am just generally too exhausted to give a fuck what anyone else thinks about my life. Either way, it feels a lot better. There is no conventional life, anyways, I don’t think. I think a lot of people are struggling, even if they took the right path, the one that was properly timed and didn’t have too many detours. 

I see a lot of humanity in my line of work. Some of the happiest people I know are filthy rich, and some are just getting by. Others have families so big it actually makes my head hurt to comprehend what it costs to feed and clothe so many individuals, but they are so blissful and content with their situation that it also makes me smile for them while at the same time feeling immensely relieved that I am not them. I see regular folks who seem sad or angry or discontented, and I see husbands and wives who have been married since probably 1918 and are clearly still in love. I watch young people who are so obviously unprepared for the life that is coming at them and hope that they take their own route to get there, even if it seems messy or wrong or unconventional. 

I still don’t know what I want to be. The long road from divorce to happiness seems, in a lot of ways, like the biggest victory I could ever imagine. Also that I have found someone who seems to want to tolerate me indefinitely is definitely something I didn’t expect to happen twice in one lifetime. In the meantime, I’m happy to wander along my little path, screaming at people who don’t understand me along the way until I have offended so many well-intentioned strangers that eventually no one will ever go out of their way to speak to me ever again, until I reach the place where I am supposed to be, with Moe beside me, rolling his eyes and rubbing his face at the sheer level of frustration I bring to his life. I could have ended up a lot of places (most likely under a bridge talking to myself), but the fact that I am here, right now, in this life, is enough for me. 

And we pay $1400 a month in rent. If you’re wondering. 

On Youth. Or, Dear Young Women. 

I am an Instagram creep. 

I have an account, and about once every month or two, I post a picture of my dog, slap an artsy filter on it, and caption it with a heart emoji. Once I got 24 likes on such a photo and I felt smug and complete and popular, and sorry for the people I follow on Instagram who only had 3 or 14 likes on their photos. 

Mostly I use Instagram to follow celebrities I don’t really care about, news outlets whose posts I almost always skip over, and intellectual yet confusing publications like The New Yorker, the humour of which I almost never understand and always feel vaguely annoyed by and does anyone actually read The New Yorker or does everyone just pretend to because we have all universally agreed at some point that people who read The New Yorker and comprehend those cartoons are vastly more intelligent than the rest of us who find the whole business of satire sort of annoying and confusing. 

I also use Instagram to pass time when I should be doing other things like cleaning or doing laundry or showering. 

This is when I find myself scrolling through the account of someone whose niece is engaged to my second cousins best friend who lives in Washington State and goes to music festivals and I ended up on this account because this person liked a Bruno Mars post from 63 weeks ago that I found while browsing posts from Rolling Stone magazine, which I also follow and which frankly I feel is more in tune with my level of intelligence than the aforementioned publication. 

And what do I find on these accounts that are 37 times and 962 degrees removed from my own Instagram account? 

I find selfies. 

A lot of them. 

And they make me rage inside. 

There are selfies from all age groups and genders, certainly. But the population that rules social media is also the same one that runs the selfie game. 

Young women. 

I have so much to say to these women, much of it inspired by my anger and dismay at the sheer volume of them who have fallen into the trap of self-absorption and vanity that the Selfie Universe has sucked them into. A place where likes and comments from both friends and strangers has become something to seek out and appreciate and covet. A place where, suddenly, people – mostly women – are something to be looked AT again. 

I don’t want to be too tough on these young women, because being a young woman is fucking hard. It’s confusing and scary and sad and exhilarating and becoming anything takes trial and error (basically just error) and guidance and tough love and really awful fashion choices that you and your friends will one day look back on and shudder and then look behind you and see some 21 year old wearing a new version of it and you will say what the actual fuck that look is in style again oh my god how did that happen did we look that ridiculous wearing woven ponchos too?

I also don’t want to tell them anything in person because young people give me anxiety and also make me feel guilty because was I a self-absorbed asshole when I was that age? (yes)

But I do want to tell these young women some things. 

I want to tell them to watch HBO’s Girls, to revel and rejoice in the discomfort and the thrill that Lena Dunham’s pride in her own naked body brings, even though it’s not what we consider perfect and then say FUCK YEAH to the strength and the courage that it takes to be different and more than ok with it, to completely seek it out and embrace it and own it. 

I want to tell them to vote, even if they don’t care about politics because someday, something they love about this country will be at risk, and it will matter to them, even if that seems hard to see right now. 

I want to make them to watch TED talks given by brilliant women. 

I want them to fiercely feel the pride that accompanies a job well done, by a woman who works hard, whether it’s as a nurse or a teacher or a neuroscientist or as a cashier at Walmart, and to know that many of those women struggled to become what and who they are simply because they are women. 

I want them to see and appreciate the strength it takes to be a woman, in whatever form that may take, and to respect and feel awe and humility for those women who have gone before us and who have fought and cried and bled so that all women could have a small shot at equality. I want them to know that we have battled, and are still battling, to learn to love our bodies and protect them from a never-ending population of people who want to control and exploit and destroy them. 

I want them to look at themselves, not just through the lens of the camera on their phone, but to actually wonder at their young beauty and be proud of it, and feel thankful  that they are experiencing life in a time and a place when their physicality, their very being, is something that they, as women, can finally call their own. It no longer belongs to society, not in the way that it used to. I want them to see this for what it is – a gift that has been given to them by their mothers, their grandmothers, their aunts and older sisters and teachers and the women they work with. I want them to know that they can’t refuse this gift, that they should take it and say thank you and promise to keep it and hand it down to their daughters. Becuase this is a precious gift. It is freedom, and it needs to be taken care of so that it can be given over and over again. 

I want to tell them that there are women everywhere, right now, this second, who are exploited and abused and taken advantage of because they are women. I want them to know that we owe it to these women to be strong and powerful and to use our loudest voices to protest this exploitation and abuse, until as many women as possible finally hold this same gift in their hands. 

Is all of this heavy stuff directly related to taking selfies? Maybe not. Maybe selfies are harmless and fun and I have no doubt that some of these half-naked, pouting young women will go on to do great things and make amazing changes in the world. 

Until then, though, I want them to know that they are more than this, that pretty doesn’t matter, not really. Pretty is fickle and fleeting, just like the people who value it over everything else that these young women, who are in charge of carrying the gifts of sexual freedom, equality, and justice and handing them over to generations of young women to come, have to offer.  

I also want them to know that they should stop colouring in their eyebrows. Because hello? We can all see that THOSE ARE NOT YOUR EYEBROWS. 

On Anxiety – Or, It Will be OK, Jay-Z

I want to know if Jay-Z gets anxious about things. Does he lie awake at night wondering if he should have taken the garbage out before bed because leaving it until 7 am the next morning is cutting it close and last time he forgot and missed the garbage truck entirely and then his garage stunk for an entire week due to the excess of trash stuck in there?

Does he worry about his parenting skills? Should he be making his kid eat more vegetables even though ALL she will bloody well eat is cucumbers? Should he have named her after a primary colour?

Do he and Beyoncé have pointless arguments that leave him feeling wrung out and tense for hours after about how much time they spend together, and is it the right amount of time or is it too much and what should they be doing with their time together?

Is there a little voice CONSTANTLY in the corner of his very busy mind telling him “pick up the dog shit before it rains, Jay. Last time you didn’t it got all soggy and smeared into the grass and you were pissed and you can avoid that scenario AND shut me up if you just go pick it up NOW stop thinking about it and just do it seriously all this thinking about it just makes it even worse and now look at you you are immobilized by the thought of picking it up and ALSO by the thought of not picking it up”?

There are two things that are important to note here.

One – I spend an inordainate amount of time thinking about Jay-Z and it is not normal and probably borders on behaviour that can be classified as “unhealthy” or “stalkerish”.

Two – I don’t think anxiety cares who you are, how old you are, what your gender is, or which former Destinys Child member you happen to be married to. I think anxiety is generous in who it befriends, allowing each of us who meet it to become very attached to it until one day it is essentially running our lives like that friend we all had in high school who bossed you around and made you steal brown lip-liner from the drugstore and you did it even though you knew your dad would (figuratively) kick your ass and (literally) confine you to the house until you were 27 and your mom would cry and as a teenager seeing a crying parent is mortifying so you just prayed you never got caught. And, like that friend, you want to tell anxiety to fuck RIGHT off but you can’t. It’s part of you now, and it knows you so well and besides no one else’s parents let you drink in their basement. On school nights.

I don’t know where my anxiety came from, and I’ve never been officially diagnosed with it by a medical professional and also “officially” feels like the wrong word here and should probably be reserved for statements more like “you are officially the chess champion of Delaware” not “you are officially a basket case”, but I can’t think of another word and it sort of makes anxiety sound like a bit of a fun prize or a blue ribbon or something.

Realistically, though, it’s anything but fun. Anxiety makes you live inside of your head, and everything else – like the actual, physical world around you – is secondary. Your thoughts are constant and blurry and impossible to detangle sometimes. It is not a tangible thing, but you come to think of it in terms of a possession that you are required to have with you at all times, as in – “off to the grocery store! Better make sure I have my keys my wallet my coupons that annoying token I need to unlock the carts because some people apparently steal them and now we all have one more tiny thing in our lives that we have to keep track of and my anxiety. Where is my anxiety again I almost forgot it last time – oh there it is under my coat. Phew”.

Sometimes, anxiety is a sneaky asshole and disguises itself as worry (also not constructive) or rage (something I am very prone to especially when behind slow walkers, shitty drivers, or people who have 72 lottery tickets to check when I just want to PAY FOR MY GAS don’t they KNOW they can check their numbers in the paper or ONLINE). But even when it’s hiding behind one of these other lovely afflictions, it can still debilitate you at a moments notice. Suddenly you’re in the middle of the cereal aisle and the choice between Cheerios and no-name wheat-o’s is just too much so you end up back at home with no groceries and the daunting prospect of having to do it all again tomorrow because children apparently need food.

Where is the relief? Is there relief?

I’m sure there is relief to be found in pharmaceutical drugs but my personality is one that is best kept far away from anything addictive and / or in pill form. I regularly remember to be grateful that crack wasn’t big in my hometown because if it had been I would be writing this from under a bridge somewhere.

For now, I quiet my own voice by walking The Beast and writing. I have also rearranged the furniture in our living room so many times that Moe finally, in a very firm, un-Moe like manner, said I had to stop because it never felt like home with everything constantly moving and also he had walked into the coffee table three times because he kept forgetting where it was.

I also try to stay calm by constantly reminding myself that I am not alone. Many, many people deal with anxiety, and many are not lucky enough to be able to talk about it without feeling shame or isolation. More still deal with depression and self-harm, anxiety’s evil, mean-as-fuck sisters. These people are champions, battling something that can’t be seen and sometimes can’t even be described. My issue is mild in comparison, and I am humbled by those that fight against those asshole sisters every day.

I want these people to know that I’m behind them, even though I am literally zero help in any given situation unless it is giving advice on how to nap properly (light but warm blanket, dark room, fan or open window giving a slight breeze and little to  no light).

I also want Jay-Z to know that I, too, frequently worry about picking up dog shit and put it off until the last possible moment. You are not alone, friend.

On Forgiveness – Or, I’m Going to Graceland

And she said losing love 

Is like a window in your heart 

Everybody sees you’re blown apart

Everybody sees the wind blow

Generally speaking, I find that when people begin any sort of written discourse with a quote, they are about to say something pious or obnoxious or preachy and I think – “I am not going to read this because clearly you are not intelligent enough to use your own independent thoughts and obviously I am smarter than you so I will just go watch TV instead”. But here’s the thing – I am no Paul Simon. If anything, I am Art Garfunkel. Shitty hair, a last name no one can spell or pronounce, and always disgruntled and whiny and breaking up legendary folk bands with my bad attitude.

It’s inevitable as we move through life – something happens that alters you, and you try to move on, and you struggle and resurface and maintain and plateau and fall down over and over again, and you defend yourself to anyone and everyone who will listen and make so many excuses for everything that has happened and then suddenly (with what seems like no foreshadowing because foreshadowing only really happens in crappy movies and Young Adult novels) you have a new life. It is a shaky life, and it exists in a weird space that is still tethered to your old one. It has new faces that seem to blend together with old ones, and you are confused a lot of the time, consumed with regret and remorse but that regret and remorse mingle with excitement that you are moving on but then you feel guilty because moving on means you don’t care and you’re cold and mean, right? RIGHT? No one answers this question for you, and so instead of accepting that you deserve to be happy and that moving on is a journey with all kinds of rough paths and annoying roadblocks, you start to get angry and irrational. You play the blame game with yourself now instead of with other people, and you play it so well that you are basically the Lebron James of your own NBA, except less good-looking, wealthy, and with 100% fewer fans. And now, instead of  learning to love your new existence with these new people and new places and new experiences just waiting to be had, you stare at your mistakes down the road behind you and start chasing them down again.

Moving On has become Moving Nowhere. And now you need to figure out the way to redemption. With no map. Or Siri.

Here’s the thing with personal redemption – it’s basically impossible to attain unless you are a) Buddha b) Paul Simon or c) able to forgive yourself. I am none of these things. In fact, I cannot think of anyone other than maybe Beyoncé who I am less like than Buddha. The act of forgiveness requires some intensely commendable character traits, no matter who it is that you’re looking to forgive. Maturity, for one. And willfulness and patience and faith in something, whether it’s in a god or many gods or no gods or just in humanity in general. When it’s yourself that you need to redeem you have to somehow learn to look at yourself and say – ok, we’re good now, I forgive you for your mistakes, and I still like you and maybe one day I’ll really love you again, and let’s stay friends because really, we are all we’ve got in this fuckery that we call life. You have to find a way to go to Graceland.

Maybe it’s not the literal Graceland where Elvis lived and died and made music that continues to irritate people of my age because their mothers insisted on listening to it so loudly in the car that the other kids at school made fun of you for an entire year. Maybe it’s more of a metaphorical place, where we can finally say those words to ourselves without feeling like they’re lies. And where we can be ok with being blown apart, and knowing that everyone does see your wounds and your scars and that they are judging you a little but also acknowledging that they have their own scars and wounds. They have been blown apart, too. This is where you can hold your head up and learn how to be strong and forgiving, no matter how hard those things seem to be to actually hold onto. In this place, where it’s calm and where your head isn’t so noisy and full of disappointed voices, you can start to heal. And start to find some forgiveness from that person you need it from most, who, like it or not, you are going to be stuck with every day for the rest of your life. Scars and all.

It’s tough enough to be a grown-up. I don’t care what anyone says, I would happily go back to being a pre-adult, when my laundry was done and the dog that lived in my house was walked for me, and every penny I made was spent on terrible 90’s clothing and Mikes Hard Lemonade and crappy weed that was definitely not weed it was mostly oregano which is why now as an adult I always feel a little risqué when I cook with it like I’m about to get moderately stoned on my spaghetti sauce.

We make our lives even tougher by the impossible standards that we insist on holding ourselves to. Don’t make mistakes, and if you do, fix them. Don’t hurt other people, and if you do, punish yourself for it endlessly and feel bad forever or at least until you hurt someone else. Then feel bad about that but DON’T FORGET ABOUT THAT TIME BEFORE THAT STILL MATTERS.

My Graceland? I don’t know if I’ve found it. There are a lot of things that I haven’t forgiven myself for. I still hear some voices in my head sometimes, reminding me that I’ve done wrong, and that I’m probably still doing wrong, and that I’m very very likely to do do wrong again. But I can silence them now. And I can see Graceland, hazy in the distance. It’s there, and it gets closer through the simplicity of my life. Most of the roadblocks have been taken down, and the path is smoother and I have Paul (we are on a first name basis in my head, Paul Simon and I) telling me – I’ve a reason to believe, we all will be received in Graceland. Finally, I am listening.

Simon, Paul. Graceland. Paul Simon. Warner Bros. Records, 1986.

Real Life Interlude

There is a great website that exists that is called 6dollartshirts.com. As I’m sure you’ve surmised, it sells t-shirts for six dollars apiece. About once a year or so I order a bunch of them. They reference pop culture things, mostly, like television shows or music. Loosely translated, pop culture means stuff that is POPULAR in our culture.

Last night when Moe got home from work, I was wearing one of my t-shirts and obsessively watching a show on the CW network that, like every show on the CW network, is meant to be watched by teenagers and that I pretend to scoff at but that in reality I am very familiar with because I have actually googled almost every cast member to find out what they look like and who they are dating in real life and whether or not they have any pets or interesting hobbies.

In my peripheral vision, I could see Moe staring at me. This is uncommon. Even though I know that Moe naturally considers me to be fascinating and interesting and stimulating to be in the presence of, we are past the point where we just look at each other for no reason other than to marvel at our good luck at finding one another and blah blah blah.

“WHAT are you looking at?”

“Nothing, I just…”

“Is it my facial hair? I KNOW I have some right now I just haven’t had the 13 minutes it takes to use the cream to remove it, ok? So I think you’re being PRETTY rude by pointing it out like that”.

“I didn’t…what?”

“Shhh. I don’t want to miss this part. God, this show is so juvenile”.

*ten minutes pass*

“Ok, seriously WHAT are you looking at?”

“I don’t get your shirt”.

The shirt in question here is one that says 9 3/4 on it. That is all it says, and it doesn’t need to say any more than that because literally every person over the age of 3 months old KNOWS that the number (fraction? whatever) 9 3/4 is the number of the train station platform where Harry Potter and all of his fellow wizards and muggles board the train to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

“You don’t know what this means? Are you serious? Where do you live, in the forest or something?”


I will spare you the dialogue involved in my long and very detailed explanation of platform 9 3/4 and the complete and total disinterest on the part of Moe and also the growing heatedness of my tirade on how a grown man has lived his life up to this point without bothering to educate himself on the details of how the MOST FAMOUS WIZARD EVER uses public transportation.

What I will tell you is that when Moe is done talking about something, the subject is firmly closed. There is no going back, no combing over details and wondering about other possible endings and imagining what would have happened if something else had happened and was the right decision made or should we just go over all of this again from the very beginning? He politely yet firmly disengages. He is never, ever rude and always provides a gentle verbal nudge to me to let me know that whatever conversation I am convoluting and distorting and essentially ruining is now over.

“I just thought that 9 3/4 meant that you considered yourself to be not quite a ten”.

The conversation (indignant rage-fuelled rant) that followed is currently under review in my own psyche, so maybe I will be able to untangle it in a few decades and turn it into something approaching coherent writing.

For the record, I consider myself a ten in every rating category that counts (except for interpersonal communication and personal hygiene in those categories I’m probably a 2 and a 7 but I’m working on them just not really the first one at all) and I hope that you consider yourself to be a firm ten as well, which, if you are reading my blog you probably are, provided of course you understand what platform 9 3/4 is and also do not confuse Dumbledore and Gandalf, ever.

On Friendship. Or, Table for One, Please

I work in a restaurant that has very good food and very good wine. Because of this, a large majority of the people that I serve are women. They are all different. Most are very nice and some are awful, some have four carat diamond rings and spouses that work ninety hours a week so that their wives can drink during the day and some wear sweatpants with writing across their bums and some have kids and some don’t and some are in their sixties and some are young and speak almost entirely in hashtags and tweets and make me feel like I am in MY sixties.

As varied as these women are, they all have one thing in common.

They travel in groups.

Sometimes they appear in groups of two, but very often they come in clusters of four or six or nine, or, very occasionally and most appallingly, in groups of fifteen or twenty one.

These women eat food and drink wine and laugh and protest loudly and indignantly that they DO NOT WANT DESSERT and while they are doing all of these things they do something else at the same time.

They talk.

And talk and talk and talk.

They stay long after their one shared appetizer is gone, and well past the consumption of their requisite glass and a half of wine because no they don’t want another one they have to drive and get up in the morning but they are going to stay a little longer anyways and what kind of herbal tea do you have and can you make me a non-fat latte actually never mind I’ll just have more water. No ice this time.

These women are friends. Maybe co-workers, maybe neighbours, maybe relatives, but friends nonetheless. And they intrigue me.

We all know that girl who always rolls her eyes at “typical” female behaviour and shrugs off not being invited to a baby shower/wedding/girls night/bachelorette party/paint social/ by saying “I’ve never really liked other women that much….I prefer to hang out with guys. SO much easier there’s no drama and I love how men are just SO laid back and don’t judge you and you can just like BE YOURSELF with them and yeah I don’t really WANT anymore friends I totally have my mom and this cousin I saw in 1997 so I’m good. Really”.


And those excuses? They’re all bullshit.

If female friendship were a body of water, it would be a murky, dark, confusing, and very loud pond. There is so much involved in being a woman who interacts with other women. Nuances and grey areas and jealousies and insecurities and anger and sadness and the constant flow of feelings, both spoken and silent. When it works, when it is at its very best, female friendship is pretty awesome. It lifts you up, and makes you feel included, like you’re a part of a good club that takes care of it’s members and gives you fun perks like free movie admission or hotel discounts.

When it doesn’t work, it’s like Costco. Sensory overload, too much stuff everywhere, and a level of exclusiveness that really feels like elitism.

I have belonged to both of these clubs. I have had Costco friendships, the kind where I take on too much, and try to be someone I am not and can’t figure out why I am there, buying 8 litre containers of peanut butter and large quantities of meat that need to be carved before they are cooked and consumed and I don’t even like meat that much. I’m just there because I feel like I am supposed to be. And it’s making me feel bad about myself. But it’s what women do they make friends and they stick it out and they LOVE each other. So I will do it.

I have also had the privilege of belonging to the good club. Good friends, some gone now because I didn’t see them for what they were at the time (sick of my nonsense) and some still around. Do I always treat them the way I should, as a card-holding co-member of this excellent, rewarding, totally worth-it group? Probably not. I can be an asshole sometimes. But I do recognize something now, something I didn’t in my twenties (always drunk no time for self-awareness) or even in my very early thirties (always drunk and also stuck in self-pity-hole) – that good friends, the real ones, the ones who let you be you and express and even flaunt your unhealthy character traits and understated but possibly concerning narcissism, are sometimes women. The I Like Guys Better Because Women Are Awful Excuse is a separator, a wall that divides us from each other in a growing social climate that already pits women against each other way too often. I’ve come to realize that it’s not other women that are the problem in the never ending issues that I have when it comes to connecting with other human beings. The problem is me – my insecurities, my jealousy, my fear of not belonging. And that’s ok, just like it’s ok, awesome even, that many (MANY) women have countless female friends who all come into my place of work and ask me for things that I frankly don’t understand but will happily (that’s a lie) do anyways because I love my job (that’s not a lie).

I don’t want to travel in large gaggles of women, ever. For one thing, I’m too impatient to sit down for the apparent amount of time it takes to have these meetings, and for another, I don’t know that many women. I DO want to sit down with the few friends I have made and managed to keep, some younger than me, some older, some male and some female, and eat food and have drinks and laugh and shake our heads at our mistakes and those of the people we know. I want to watch over these friendships, because they are precious and I have let other ones die from neglect, but I don’t want to tend to them too much, because I have learned the hard way that if you water a plant a lot it also dies and then you have a soggy plant and I am way too lazy to repot it or replace it so now it’s just rotting in my living room slowly growing mold.

So if you are reading this and you are my friend (very likely since I doubt anyone BUT my friends are reading this), thank you. For seeing me through my self-inflicted tough times, and for letting me whine a lot and talk about myself constantly and for knowing I am annoying and repetitive and a terrible judge of character with a quick temper and no patience and a bad tendency to dislike people on sight, while at the same time knowing I love you and would do anything for you. Unless it involves making actual plans or committing to going somewhere on a certain date at a pre-set time. Then you are on your own.

Real Life Interlude 1

This morning, Moe asked me if I had seen his belt.

Two weeks ago, roughly, he bought mustard when we already had two full ones in the fridge.

At least twice every month, I am asked by him where his work keys are.

All of these incidents have led me to the conclusion that in every cohabitation agreement there is one party who is both the Finder of Things and the Knower of Mundane Household Details.

This arrangement both exasperates me and alarms me a little bit. Will I always be the Finder of Things? Do I always have to know the exact quantity of condiments present in this household? Will there be a day when I lose something essential to my life, like my wallet or my slim grip on my sanity, and Moe will know exactly where it is and go and retrieve it for me?

I am hesitant to proclaim that this is a gendered issue, that being a woman makes you predisposed to knowing where things are at all times and being able to calculate boring, useless details that apparently have to be calculated constantly in both the (sort of) smooth functioning of a home and in the frightening business of being an adult that is (sort of) responsible for a young human being some of the time.

So, as a social experiment that everyone (no one) will be wildly interested in, I am going to pretend to lose something every day for a week and see if Moe can find it for me. I will probably never post the results, since I can almost guarantee that he will have no idea where any of these objects are, and I am also terrible at carrying out any sort of commitment that doesn’t involve working or sleeping.

And his belt was on the dresser.

On Inclusiveness. Or, Cozy Moms and Smug Hipsters Are Important, Too. 

There is room for everyone in the world of writing online. Unless you are a racist or a homophobe or just a general sort of asshole who says mean things to anyone different than you . If you are one of those people, you should go away.

The rest of us mostly harmless people writing for an audience that we don’t know and who we will likely never meet are just trying to share something – our knowledge, some information, experience. We have a need to tell our story, or some variation of our story, to a bunch of people who might judge us or laugh at us or dismiss us.

I am one of those people. I am also one of those people who judge and laugh and dismiss. I feel unreasonably threatened by others who seem to have their lives all figured out. Cozy moms, commonly found on Pinterest and other lifestyle sites, make me feel like I’m doing everything wrong. In life. Generally. I will search out a recipe for a healthy smoothie or instructions on how to assemble a burrito bowl (FYI they take forever and don’t look like the picture OR taste like a burrito AT ALL), but I will do so while fuming inside that these women seem to have a life that is compact, while mine remains loose, with frayed ends that I am frantically trying to tie up while taking care of the normal aspects of living, like eating and showering. Smug hipsters, found literally everywhere, make me feel like I am old and doddering and cranky, because when I see someone young and cool and original I get angry and want to start searching under furniture for my youth because I know its not actually gone its just sort of missing and I bet its under the couch with 41 Shopkins and dog toy fluff.

 What do we do when the media around us presents us with versions of ourselves that we want to be, or that we have lost? I’m positive that scores of strong and confident women out there don’t care what other people are doing, and live their lives without regard for pressures to conform to any idea of what they should be.

I am not those women.

Through my haze of jealousy and despite my pining for a fading, hip youth that I can barely see anymore, I do know that the Cozy Moms and Smug Hipsters provide a perspective for those of us who are flailing a little bit. They are showing me that I am not compact, I am not cool, and I don’t understand things like Farmhouse Chic or beard oil or vegan baking, but that’s ok. Our frayed ends are important, too. And I bet a lot of Cozy Moms are gritting their teeth while they make bento box lunches and are seriously contemplating giving their kids McDonalds for dinner so they just shut up already. And the Smug Hipsters, well, maybe they aren’t actually smug. Maybe they, too, are worried about saving for retirement and whether they should find a better job and if those super expensive music festival tickets are even worth it because no one actually listens to any of these bands anyways and they would rather just sleep in on the weekend instead of dragging themselves out to the desert wearing annoying looking hats and their grandfathers shoes.

Maybe all of us in our end-thirties stage are all relatively the same.

Probably not, actually, but I want to include these people. Let’s be friends, Cozy Moms, Smug Hipsters, even DIY-ers In Your Late Fifties With Empty Nest Syndrome. I will share my slim knowledge of adulthood and my poor life skills with you, in return for all of your wisdom about literally everything I know nothing about.

Once again, you’re welcome.

On Divorce. Or, Guilt & the Drunk Girl in a Hole 

(Part 1 of 47 or 843)

 When I was deciding whether or not to leave my then-marriage (spoiler – I did!), I was at a bit of a loss in terms of finding people to talk to about it. If you’ve been through a divorce, or a break-up, you will know that suddenly people seem to become pretty thin on the ground in your life (more on that in another post). You will recall that, often, you are alone somewhere (your house or your car or the bathroom in the grocery store that smells like urine and weak disenfectant and seriously has anyone ever cleaned this bathroom? Because I buy my food here, grocery store employees) and need so desperately to speak to a human being that isn’t your potentially soon-to-be-ex partner that you end up resorting to the only logical action that is left to you. Google.
One Sunday (I know it was Sunday because I remember weepily watching The Walking Dead and feeling like I would rather deal with a zombie infiltration than deal with my own life situation), I sat on my then-couch and googled “getting divorced in your early thirties”. I was positive that some answers would appear that would ease my guilt, and the pain, and the uncertaintity. That some woman, somwhere, would have something to tell me that would resonate. Like “hey you! Weepy, bloated woman on the couch over there! Ive been through this! Listen to my story and learn and be reassured!”. Shockingly, this did not happen. Not even close. NO ONE in ALL OF THE INTERNET wanted to help me. A quick summary of topics that I encountered every one of the four hundred times that I googled some variation of this theme:

– Divorce in your 40’s

– Divorce in your 50’s

– Divorce in your 60’s

– Divroce when your spouse is gay

– Divorce when you are gay

– Divorce and money

– Divorce and real estate

– Divorce when you have between 2 and 9 children under the ages of 5 who all need dental work and one needs glasses

– How to throw a divorce party

– How to throw a divorce party if you live in Wyoming OR have a horse farm

– Divorce and pets
Henceforth, the conclsion can be drawn that I am the only woman (or person, apparently) who has EVER considered divorce in her early 30’s. There is an ENTIRE POPULATION of people out there who are happily married in their early 30’s, skipping around at Home Depot buying things to improve their already very happy houses, while I squat greasily on a couch, in a bathrobe, frantically looking for answers online that ARE NOT THERE.

Fuck you, Google.

Of course, my need to have reassurance from strangers online is not Google’s fault. It comes from Guilt, the most elusive and useless of emotions, and one that women seem to fall victim to constantly, especially within the parameters of our personal relationships. Guilt drove me to seek answers to questions like: “how did I fall out of love with someone?”, “how do I fix this person and still have a life that will make me happy”, and “am I the worst person in the world and if so is there any kind of assistance for that?”. When I didn’t find them, I had to look at myself. This is probably the most frightening and sobering and mind-fucking aspect of a life-changing experience. I don’t even look at my outer self that often, except when I know I am going to be seen by others in flourescent lighting, and then I look at myself very critically and wonder- were all these blackheads here yesterday? and – are these dark circles under my eyes a symptom of some illness that is still laying dormant inside of me but will expose itself any day now?

The inner-self examination was even scarier than the flourescent-lighting one, and I didn’t get around to really doing it until I had broken all kinds of hearts. The one of the person I was married to, those of the good friends I had made over the years, and my own. When we end something of our own volition, we have a million consequences to deal with, ones that we are rarely prepared for. When the dust I had created settled, I was left with one person to reckon with – myself. I made shitty, selfish life decisions, and was angry and hurt that no one had stuck around to pat my head and tell me it was ok, that I was still a good person, that I would be fine. For a long time, rather than put the work in to understand what I had done, and why, and how it had affected people around me, I fell back on Guilt. Guilt was there for me. Guilt was comfortable and reliable and it understood me. It let me sleep too much, and drink a lot, and treat people however I wanted. It let me be my worst self and never judged me, unlike irritating Self-Reflection, who was ALWAYS on my ass to do pointless things like eat well and sober up and apologize to the people that I had hurt.

But no matter how many times I avoided it and tried to keep partying with Guilt, Self-Reflection, like that really annoying person we all know who is smug and has their life together and wants you to go to the gym with them and drink kombucha and run a half-marathon, kept hounding me. Did it work? Did I look at myself in a calm and meaningful way and decide to ditch the guilt and woman up to the choices that I had made and stop whining and feeling bad for myself? Not really. At least not right away. But Self-Reflection did make me realize something – I had created a situation for myself that I was blaming everyone else for, and my guilty conscience was proof of this. Some sane and rational version of myself (still seen very rarely) knew that this was the case, which is why I was letting guilt bubble to my surface like a PMS-induced zit. Then I would run and hide from the guilt, usually somewhere super inconspicious like behind 7 pints of beer and a double scotch.

Guilt still hangs out arond me a lot, but it’s not my best friend anymore. It’s more like a casual aquaintance that I try to avoid eye contact with in the mall but who races up to me anyways and asks when we are going to go for coffee together and I mumble something about not really liking coffee that much these days and so we end up out at an all-you-can-eat sushi place and I awkwardly order stuff I only sort of like and then leave full and annoyed that I even wasted my day off with this person who I don’t honestly like that much.

It isn’t always the actual thing that has happened that makes our world tilt. Divorce is awful, no question. But it’s our reactions to what has happened that change us, for better or for worse. Sometimes, it’s the shove in the right direction that we were needing all along. In my case, it was a violent stumble backwards, into a huge hole, that I had to crawl out of alone. It’s this long, dirty, muddly crawl that is finally giving me the answers Google couldn’t and that Guilt was hiding from me. I looked, slowly and cautiously, at this person I didn’t really know and definitely didn’t like anymore and told her that she wasn’t going to stay in the confines of being messy and weepy and self-pitying. She glared back at me for while, and it was uncomfortable because we all know that the girl I am alluding to here is myself, and no one has ever had a successful staring contest with themselves. If you have, I want to hear from you.

The moral of the story here? There isn’t one.  A lot of days, I still feel like the drunk girl in the hole. Confused and tired from questioning myself. Some days, though, I can see some light at the top of the hole, and then other days I am like a conditioned athlete (that is a lie) who jumps out of the hole completely and manages to (weakly) tackle life with no self-doubt.

The days where self-doubt reigns and the hole is deep and musty and the sides are too slick to pull myself out? On those days, I am learning to look to other people (shout out to Moe for putting up with me and my constant slides back into this fictional hole I keep talking about that frankly has him totally confused) to help me out.

I think we all have holes that we have dug, or that other people have kicked us into. Some holes are where we hide, and others are where we feel safe from whatever is following us around, be it that asshole Guilt or something more sinister like Self-Hatred or Fear. Whatever the hole is, wherever it came from, it can be filled up. Mostly with Time, or Self-Love, or things that seem so unattainable when we first fall in. Those good hole-fillers are out there, though, trust me. I’ve run into them a few times when trying to outrun Self-Reflection.